Hi Darlings! You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to say that. It’s been bottled up inside of me, and I’ve just needed to find the time and the ability to write in order to put it into a post. How are you doing? What’s the weather been like for you? I for one am getting fed up of England’s inability to last just one week with good weather. Yes, I know it’s not actually the UK’s fault for rubbish weather, but we all need someone or something to blame when these things happen, right? Basically I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to pack my suitcase, jump on the next plane readily available and relax in the sunshine of some tropical island. However my bank balance nor capability to stay awake for more than a few hours would allow me to do that, so for now I’m stuck here in my bed writing endless blog posts for you to enjoy. That doesn’t sound half bad when I come to think of it; just a lot of non-stop work!Although I would love to be on a tropical desert sipping my Pina colado, there have been a few advantages to the time spent in my own bed. For example, I’ve been able to reflect on a lot of things to do with myself. Take for instance my mental health, which has taken a slight plummet onto planet earth, this has meant i’ve needed to find the courage and strength from somewhere, to get back up and become able to conquer the upcoming hurdles. I’ve found I can control these exhausting moods a lot better since coming to terms with the fact that it had to change. Yes, mental health has it’s tendency of not allowing that change to happen… but it can! It wasn’t just unhealthy for myself, but also others around me. So, although I knew it wasn’t my fault I was waking up with these awful mood swings or having them be thrown at me randomly throughout the day, I wanted them to be in my control and not in control of me. I began counselling for the third time in my life, walked away from toxic friendships, allowed myself to come to terms with the feeling of happiness and I began the journey of finding myself. Something I’ve not been able to do for a very, very long time. This took multiple attempts, many moments of feeling like a failure and hours or even days of crying into my pillow with nothing but my own heart to keep myself feeling less lonely. Yes, I had my family and a few friends by my side but when you’re coming to terms with a lot of things, sometimes doing it on your own is the best option of possibly reaching success.
One thing in particular that has been playing tricks on my mind a lot lately, is the way I see myself. My slightly bigger forehead, the folds in my arms, an uneven eye and my height are just some of the negatives I see when I look at my body. Although I’ve come to terms with my smaller size compared to the average human being, I’ve not had the capability to understand the other aspects of my appearance that come alongside that. Like most girls and boys in today’s society, I’m constantly comparing myself to those I see on my instagram feed or the girls who are fitting into the smallest sizes on the hanger. No matter how many times people tell me I’m pretty or that I don’t need to constantly belittle myself against others, those words just filter through my brain and I’m still left with my unworthy opinion towards the way I look and feel. It’s like magazines and social media have become obsessed with only focusing on the perfect figure and filtered looks, leaving me wondering where on earth I stand compared to these people. This makes me so angry, just the fact that we judge people on the way they look before we even have the chance of seeing their worth beneath the visible skin. It has gotten to the point where I caught myself telling my mum about certain parts of me that I didn’t like, almost on the daily. You can just imagine how exhausting that got for me, and probably for everyone around me who had to hear all of this come out of my mouth. For the past four weeks, I’ve slowly changed my diet, began excising three times a week and turned my mind away from any parts of social media that may encourage me to see myself in a negative way. Hence the time I’ve spent off of any form of socialising online! Don’t get me wrong though, if you’re confident enough to post a full-glam photo of yourself, then definitley do it! I am proud of you for having the courage to do that, because although it may not seem like it at the time, It definitely takes guts to allow others to have the ability to comment on how you look.
Another thing that has played a bit part into my depressive wobble, is the lack of friendships I have in my life. Yes, I have my best friend who has been my saviour throughout so many situations that have occurred in my life this past year. I would most definitely not be as strong as I am without her next to me. I know that for a fact! Along with some incredible bloggers who have been wonderful supporters! However, I look to the other side and theres no-one. Maybe a few people who I would count as people I talk to every so often just to hear about their recent holiday abroad or the fact that they have adopted a new dog, but thats about it. I’ve lost those people who I’d call actual true friends. And, that hurts. It hurts to know that throughout my seventeen years on this planet, I’ve grown to loose some of the people I thought were going to reach the end with me. Yes, of course some of those friendships that I lost are ones that I just can’t come to terms with having back in my life again but there are some that I wish didn’t end when they did. Right now I’m not ready to let some of those people back into my life, simply because it hurt so much when I felt that loss and so I’m not ready for the rare possibility of that happening again. Or, maybe it will be a very common possibility and that relationship is just not meant to be involved in my life. I think what a lot of people tend to forget is that it hurts me as well. Although I may come across as having this ginormous wall up that I never let down, I feel emotions too. I cry when I see those friends walk away for ever, I grieve and I collapse in pure desperation just to have everything back to how it used to be. I’m a human being, and yes I admit to making mistakes that would be better not have been made, but I’m simply just trying.
You may be reading this post and you’ve just come down from a panic attack that made you loose all control of your own life. Or, you may be in hospital going through what could be your last fight. However, let me tell you something. Forget everyone around you for a minute, forget those girls who have found fame in looking like those celebrities that are having their name float around television daily. Forget them, and listen to me. I can’t begin to tell you enough how much your existence on this earth is worth more than anything. Every time you take a breath, it means you’re winning. You’re winning against the odds that told you, you weren’t going to beat this. We all have things we don’t like, we all want to drop onto the floor and not have to feel all of this again and we all wish we could change what is making us feel this way. The only thing that matters right now is that you hear that beat inside your chest, hear it thump every minute and understand that’s what makes you. Everything else, looks, personality and even basic communication skills comes after that. Firstly, understand the most important thing Is that you’re still alive and you’re going to win this.
I’m sorry I’ve not been making the best content out there for you to read and enjoy, however right now I just need time to get myself back on track and actually put myself first. I’m not stopping with my blog and I will definitely be continuing to post regularly. However, right now please accept my apology whilst I sit back and figure out some matters that seem to be on the forefront of my mind. I’m sending out the biggest hugs to anyone who may need it right now, and until next time lovelies! I’ll see you in my next post. Mwah! xo