As humans we’ve become oblivious to the words of appreciation, and observant to the world of negativity and hate. Our own minds aren’t listened too, instead we gravitate towards the opinions of other people which gives them the acceptance to define who we become in life.
“I have diagnosed Emily with depression” The world felt motionless for those few seconds that I saw the words written in front of me. Was I now defined as stupid and worthless to society? Does this mean I’m going to fail at succeeding in my life goals? Those two questions were among many that entered my mind in that time span. I’d had a suspicion depression was going to be the diagnosis eventually, because I’d began seeing more darkness than any light. It was like the sun had took shelter behind a cloud and it wasn’t planning to come out any time soon. As a young child you don’t expect to eventually have these evil thoughts and controlling memories enter your mind. No matter how fast you try to run from them you are just stuck, stuck in the same position watching the world carry on without you. People try to tell you that you need to grow up and move on, that depression is just a ‘thing’ that will eventually go. When in fact it’s not just a page that you can rip out and never read again. It’s part of the book, no matter how hard you try to move on it’ll always be there. Be there reminding you of every mistake, bad relationship, lost friendships and broken self esteem that ever occurred in your life. A few years ago I had something happen to me that would change my whole life forever and begin this adventure that I am now battling through.
Having Achondroplasia Its known I’m going to need frequent operations throughout the course of my life. At eleven years old the day came where I was undergoing my next operation, simply to have a ICP monitor for one day which would measure the pressure in my head. Recovery was a few days and I was expected to leave the hospital within a week. Great right!?
Not exactly, because halfway through the operation my surgeon had hit a nerve in my brain which was not meant to be there. This caused the biggest bleed the hospital had ever seen in twenty years. Every second was at stake whilst the theatres were shut down so every doctor, anaesthetist, nurse and professional could help try to save this little girls life. After three blood transfusions, suffering from a stroke, being placed into an induced coma because I was unable to control my body from the tiring fits and having to go onto life support. The surgeon had lost a big chunk of hope for any chance of survival. With tears entering his eyes, the words which no person wants to say to a parent came out of his mouth. “I’m giving Emily two minutes, it’s not looking hopeful so please don’t hold onto too much hope”. At this point goodbyes were on the top of everyones minds, because any chance of me walking through the door smiling and talking again was beginning too fade from family, friends and the teams minds. However, that little girl who was fighting for the bit of life that she loved, proved everyone wrong and became stable. Still not out of danger the surgeons took every chance to bring me back from that cave of darkness, and so they did. It not only made me loose parts of who I was but I’d lost my lock for any emotional security that I’d once had. Suddenly having to control intense mood swings, regaining any bit of confidence that had disappeared and learning to talk and walk again was something that took me a very long time to come to terms with. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was exhausted and I just wanted to smile again whilst actually believing I was happy. Instead, I wasn’t. I just had a shell that was empty inside. No hope, no happiness and no courage for who I wanted to become. Counsellors, therapists, friends, family and the school all tried to help me understand that I was going to be ok and that I’m allowed to move on from the bad that had happened. But, I stayed numb to everyones words and shut myself from most of the world around me. I just wanted to be alone, I just wanted to sit down and deal with the pain without other people feeling the same feelings.
Most days the curtains would be drawn, my bed would be my safe place and the darkness would be a occurring safety net to me. I had lost my friends, I was struggling to maintain any focus at school and I was having intense thoughts of wanting it just too be over. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror for roughly three months after the day, because I couldn’t bare to see the person that I had now become. Who was I? to me I was no-one, and I didn’t want people to be around that ‘no-one’. I would say stuff that I didn’t mean to people and then be left with anger towards myself because I didn’t mean those words, they were words directed to myself however my only way to let them escape was to direct them towards others. Everyday I would think I was closer to escaping this memory that I had now made my home, one step….two step. Wait we’re stopping! Back to square one. If you look at who I am now, most people would think I have completely recovered from that dark period of my life. When in fact I’m still struggling to catch my breath most days at the thought of everything being relived again. Im tired of loosing people around me, I’m tired of seeing my mood swings distant people from me and I’m tired of the effects that I now have to live with. But it’s my life now. I strive on making people realise their worth in this world, because I know what loosing that worth feels like. I strive on reminding the people who I love and care about that they aren’t worthless, ugly and unimportant. I know depression is going to be playing it’s tricks often, I know there will be times that my progress pauses for a while, and I know I will have to eventually try and change my habits of overthinking along with constantly apologising. But I’ve made it this far, and I don’t have any plans to give up when I’ve just got started. If you’re sat there reading this, yes you. And you’re wondering why on earth you got given the road that had depression blocking the next turn. You got given it because you’re strong. And no matter who tells you that it’s impossible to take that turning, no matter how much your mind pulls you down into the darkest of places and no matter how many times you take that blade and mark your arm for the tenth time that day. You’re capable of getting through this. Don’t ever let people tell you when you’re ready to get better, when the times right you will know and that leap you make will be the best jump you’ve ever taken in your life. But for now, hold your head as high as you can, grab your past and use those memories to push you into bigger and better situations.
I promise you you’re worth everything and more.
I love each and everyone of you, and I will see you in my next post!
Over and out lovelies.